04-08-2009, 12:51 PM
Surely if the world has learned nothing about Americans (and Japanese), they should have learned that anytime you kidnap one of us, one of the following will always happen:
* One of the kidnap victims is a quiet ex-military guy who just wanted to retire and live a simple life, but previously he was a special forces judo master commando assassin. Also, when you boarded the ship and shot the dog, that was his one friend in the whole world and now he's really angry, in a quiet, seething, "I'm going to kill all of you" sort of way.
* One of the kidnap victims has a father or husband who is the previous described person. He knows what you did and he'll be right over, and/or he was in the bathroom with the kidnapping took place. The hostage you randomly select to execute will turn out to be his relative and the minion who leads that person away to shoot them will never come back.
* (especially true for Japanese kidnap victims) The kidnappers will be vastly more powerful than the victims, but through discipline and sheer force of will, one of the victims will manage to take a serious beating, persevere and come back to trounce all of the kidnappers, possibly after having one of his or her arms fitted with a minigun.
* The US military will somehow manage to get a special forces team on board without you knowing about it. Possibly this will involve submarines or dicey maneuvers with stealth planes, probably during a storm.
* Among the passengers will be at least one plucky every-man who organizes the rest of the hostages into a daring plot to overpower the hijackers, which always works. The plucky every-man will get shot (or, if Japanese, stabbed) in the shoulder during the action, but will live.
* When they ask for the roster, it will be missing. This is because someone on the roster was named "Bruce" or "Rambo". If you can't find the roster, leave immediately. Beating the person who you think hid the roster will only result in you getting killed later.
They should also know that before they execute anyone, they should ensure that:
* All doors behind them are tightly closed. Preferably, they should stand in the corner with their back to the wall.
* They are not standing under any vents.
* They are not standing on top of any grating of any sort.
* There are no pipes carrying hot steam anywhere within 25 feet of them.
I mean really, with all the money these pirates make, you'd think they'd spend some of it watching DVDs.
* One of the kidnap victims is a quiet ex-military guy who just wanted to retire and live a simple life, but previously he was a special forces judo master commando assassin. Also, when you boarded the ship and shot the dog, that was his one friend in the whole world and now he's really angry, in a quiet, seething, "I'm going to kill all of you" sort of way.
* One of the kidnap victims has a father or husband who is the previous described person. He knows what you did and he'll be right over, and/or he was in the bathroom with the kidnapping took place. The hostage you randomly select to execute will turn out to be his relative and the minion who leads that person away to shoot them will never come back.
* (especially true for Japanese kidnap victims) The kidnappers will be vastly more powerful than the victims, but through discipline and sheer force of will, one of the victims will manage to take a serious beating, persevere and come back to trounce all of the kidnappers, possibly after having one of his or her arms fitted with a minigun.
* The US military will somehow manage to get a special forces team on board without you knowing about it. Possibly this will involve submarines or dicey maneuvers with stealth planes, probably during a storm.
* Among the passengers will be at least one plucky every-man who organizes the rest of the hostages into a daring plot to overpower the hijackers, which always works. The plucky every-man will get shot (or, if Japanese, stabbed) in the shoulder during the action, but will live.
* When they ask for the roster, it will be missing. This is because someone on the roster was named "Bruce" or "Rambo". If you can't find the roster, leave immediately. Beating the person who you think hid the roster will only result in you getting killed later.
They should also know that before they execute anyone, they should ensure that:
* All doors behind them are tightly closed. Preferably, they should stand in the corner with their back to the wall.
* They are not standing under any vents.
* They are not standing on top of any grating of any sort.
* There are no pipes carrying hot steam anywhere within 25 feet of them.
I mean really, with all the money these pirates make, you'd think they'd spend some of it watching DVDs.