06-12-2010, 04:34 AM
Here are 10 things that will* happen if USA beats England on Saturday...
1. The Queen has to knight one Clinton Drew Dempsey. Arise Sir Deuce of Nacogdoches.
2. Landon Donovan gets a 10-year contract with the Premier League team of his choosing. The contract will guarantee that Donovan plays every minute of every game (should he choose to do so), is always the highest-paid player both at his club and in the league as whole, and that he gets to wear the captain's armband at all times. Even at sleepytime.
3. England becomes the 51st state of America. Wayne Rooney himself has to sew the extra star into all current USA flags. While living in a caravan with a failbeard.
4. "Don't Tread on This" by Clint Dempsey becomes the new national anthem. Of every nation on earth.
5. Color and favorite will no longer be spelled with an extra u. By anyone.
6. USA to get first dibs on any future decent England left back, who will be naturalized, passported and placed in the American backline faster than you can say "Jonathan Bornstein?"
7. Fabio Capello immediately fired as England coach after the game, and replaced by high-trousered "American Idol" judge Simon Cowell for the rest of the World Cup. Halftime team talks where he belittles the players to be broadcast live on pay per view.
8. English people have to start calling it "sarker."
9. English commentator Martin Tyler forcibly relocated to the USA to announce all Major League Soccer games for the next five years. Dave O'Brien moves to England to announce all future English Premier League games on Sky Sports. Forever.
10. ...the team still has to get results against Slovenia and Algeria, because the World Cup is more than just one game.
1. The Queen has to knight one Clinton Drew Dempsey. Arise Sir Deuce of Nacogdoches.
2. Landon Donovan gets a 10-year contract with the Premier League team of his choosing. The contract will guarantee that Donovan plays every minute of every game (should he choose to do so), is always the highest-paid player both at his club and in the league as whole, and that he gets to wear the captain's armband at all times. Even at sleepytime.
3. England becomes the 51st state of America. Wayne Rooney himself has to sew the extra star into all current USA flags. While living in a caravan with a failbeard.
4. "Don't Tread on This" by Clint Dempsey becomes the new national anthem. Of every nation on earth.
5. Color and favorite will no longer be spelled with an extra u. By anyone.
6. USA to get first dibs on any future decent England left back, who will be naturalized, passported and placed in the American backline faster than you can say "Jonathan Bornstein?"
7. Fabio Capello immediately fired as England coach after the game, and replaced by high-trousered "American Idol" judge Simon Cowell for the rest of the World Cup. Halftime team talks where he belittles the players to be broadcast live on pay per view.
8. English people have to start calling it "sarker."
9. English commentator Martin Tyler forcibly relocated to the USA to announce all Major League Soccer games for the next five years. Dave O'Brien moves to England to announce all future English Premier League games on Sky Sports. Forever.
10. ...the team still has to get results against Slovenia and Algeria, because the World Cup is more than just one game.